The Hole Inside

There’s only one thing I’ve ever found
To fill the hole inside.

Money won’t do the job
And a job is not enough.
Looking good just covers up
The deeper painful stuff

Approval from outside won’t do,
Pride only last so long
Soon the hole is back again
As deep and just as strong

Accomplishments won’t fill it
Nor any trophies won
Generosity is not enough
Or many good deeds done

No published books will satisfy
Nor any prized position
No starring role can fill that hole

No realized ambition

Projects never fill it
Or taking lots of trips
Snacking sure won’t fill that hole
Except with lots of chips.

The only thing that’s worked for me
To ease my apprehension
Is bravely turning inward
And giving it attention

How black is that hole?
How cavernous, how deep?
How big around, how loud the sound?
How merciless, how bleak?

What words are in that hole?
Are they righteous, harsh or cruel?
Do they tell you you’re a failure
Do they say that you’re a fool?

What emotions are inside?
Anger? Hate? Or Blame?

Or is the hole made wholly of
Embarrassment and shame?

In mine I often find
deep and dark despair
Sometimes humiliation
And confusion hide in there.

It hasn’t gone away for meAt least it hasn’t yet.

But as I rest attention there
The less concerned I get.

Because what is really in that hole?

Some darkness from above?
I’ve only ever found myself
craving my own love.

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