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Hard Feelings and Bad Days

  • December 10th, 2025

Hi friend!

Scroll to the end to see a Dharma Comics book announcement and newly scheduled Breathwork Journeys.

Rather listen than read? Click here.

This morning I woke up feeling depressed.

“I don’t want to get out of bed.”
“I have nothing to look forward to today.”
“My body is sore for no good reason.”
“My heart is sore, also, for no reason.”
“I’m so uncomfortable.”
“This day sucks.”

i'm in a funk

As an aside, why do I tell you guys all this stuff??! Why do I write publicly about my hard feelings and bad days?

I think it’s because on days like this, when I wake up feeling bad and bad about myself, I can feel like I’m the only one.

Or if not the only one, I’m in the broken minority who has nothing valuable to offer.

On days like this, when I feel lumpy and grumpy, resentful and sad, I can think: “It’s my fault. I’m doing something wrong.”

On days like this, I compare myself to people I know whose lives look fuller and more vibrant and think “if only I did what she does, or had what he has, then I’d feel amazing.”

When I compare myself, unsurprisingly, I feel worse.

I feel scared, inadequate, and shamed—shamed by my own self, who is brilliant at devising the most specifically hurtful accusations.

Of course, the motive of this shaming is to get me into action. Most days it works to get me out of bed, over-caffeinated, and diving headlong into ill-considered busy work.

Why the busy work?

The belief is, “if I hurry up, I will catch up.” Specifically to those people to whom I’m comparing myself, or to the idealized version of myself I think I should be by now.

The belief is that I’m running toward something,
but the fact is that I’m running away.

From what? Myself, as I am. From that ever painful suspicion: Not. Good. Enough.

Today I did not tumble out of bed and make a bleary-eyed drunken-bee-line to my coffee cup. I did not bribe or bully myself into a “productive” day.

Today I threw the blankets back over my head and consciously felt awful.

Eventually, I made some herbal tea, moved to the couch, and consciously felt awful there. (Well, here. I’m still on the couch. In my pajamas. After noon.)

I use the word consciously because I was making a choice.

I could play out the other experiment. The one I’ve run ten thousand times, where I try to outrun my sense of failure and inadequacy.

Or, I could turn around, sit myself down, and face the monsters.

“Lazy.
Pathetic. Failure.
Fraud. Worthless. Self-involved.
Non-additive. Unsatisfiable.
Ungrateful. Entitled.
Weak.”

I wanted to run. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hide.
I wanted to reorganize the garage, the tea cabinet, or the pantry.
I could get to Inbox Zero. Pay bills. Organize year-end financials.
I could exercise. Wash dishes. Cook something. Call someone.

I wanted to DO ANYTHING to get away from these feelings and thoughts.

So why didn’t I? Because I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE A LIFE DICTATED BY FEAR.

I want to live on purpose.

By “living on purpose” I do not mean having a purpose. I mean making choices intentionally instead of reacting compulsively.

Making Choices

Living on purpose means having the freedom to make aligned, alive, inspired, and courageous choices.

Those choices are simply not available when I’m secretly terrified or busy calling myself a piece of sh*t!

Whoa.

I’m generally pretty vulnerable with these posts, but that last sentence brought me to tears.

“Am I really going to publicly admit I treat myself this way? Aren’t I supposed to model self acceptance?”

Then I remember why I write these posts.

I write because I am not the only one who feels or thinks this way. And if you feel or think this way, you are not the only one.

I bet you, like me, are pretty awesome in a lot of ways AND we feel bad sometimes, or often. These two things are not mutually exclusive.

They just…are.

What if waking up and feeling like crap is not a sign that anything is off?

What if it’s just what’s happening?
What if we don’t need to go to war with the feelings, the thoughts, or ourselves?
What if, dare I say it, it’s not even that big of a deal?
What if it’s just…(really) uncomfortable?
Can we tolerate it? Can we relax around it? Can we breathe through it?
Can we find a hint of our quiet, mature, presence amidst the discomfort?
Can we choose to let it be, rather than spend our whole lives in habitual reactivity?

This is self-acceptance. This is self-love.

These are terms that can seem all lovey-dovey warm-and-fuzzy.

But the process is uncomfortable precisely because we have to face those aspects of ourselves that we previously demonized.

As a friend of mine once said, it can feel like “sitting in a pile of shit. Smelling the shit. Tasting the shit. Looking out at the world through a shit-colored haze.”

Hmm. This seems like a depressing note to end on. I guess that’s the point. It’s okay to be depressed.

But! If it gets to be too much, then I recommend watching KPop Demon Hunters. It’s a brilliant modern allegory of reclaiming one’s alleged “demons.” I’m giving you homework you can dance to.

kpop

Thank you for reading.

Big love,
Leah

I recorded an exploration to accompany this post, for those times when you find yourself feeling like crap and don’t know why.

Recently I self-published the original dharma comics book. It was out of print for a while but now it’s back. Same comics, new design. Just in time for the holidays and all that.

Join me at an upcoming Breathwork Journey: