Going Out of My Mind
A long time ago I drew this comic:
Personally, I think it’s pretty brilliant!
…in theory.
But in reality, it begs a very important question: HOW!?!!??
HOW DO I FALL IN LOVE WITH STILLNESS WHEN THERE’S SO MUCH TO DO!?
Oops. I’m not yelling at you. I’m just yelling.
Because today after the grocery store, the dentist, and the coffee shop where I did hours of computer work … I was still totally overwhelmed.
I got so much done! Shouldn’t I feel less overwhelmed? Like, whelmed, maybe?
When I got home, rather than giving my guy a warm hug and hello, I passive aggressively asked him to “please light the fire.” Justifiably annoyed, he stocked off toward the fireplace.
I unpacked the groceries, full of remorse. How was my tension his fault?
My brain tried to argue how I was right, but I wasn’t buying it. And anyway, I have a rule for myself: “Never take your sh*t out on the people you love, or ideally, anyone else.”
Whether the fireplace should have been lit already was no longer the point. The point was that I wasn’t being an adult. I was energetically tantruming.
If I had a tail, it would have been between my legs as I approached Vince stoking the newly crackling fire.
I apologized for not taking responsibility for my own overwhelm. He graciously accepted.
Now I was at a crossroads. I could see three general directions:
- Do more tasks until hopefully the pressure eased
- Ignore all the tasks and bury myself in my new novel
- Consciously change my energy
If my choices were a literal crossroads, then A) would be a super highway for how well I’ve worn that particular option, B) would be a country road, bumpy, muddy, but well-defined enough from occasional use, and C) would be like bushwacking through an overgrown jungle in the rainy season.
I know that doing more tasks when I’m already tight only ever makes me tighter.
I know that burying myself in a book (or a beverage or a bag of snacks or a t.v. binge) works temporarily, but can leave me lethargic and sad.
And I know that the nervous system can actually be supported through things like the breath, humming, hugging, meditating, grounding, art, etc.
However (please cover your ears, I’m going to yell again) IT’S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO DO ANY OF THESE THINGS WHEN I (FEEL LIKE I) DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME!!!
But today I was saved by a simple thought: “It won’t work.”
By “it” I mean “the compulsion to keep powering through my to-do list.”
The compulsion was as strong as if something was physically magnetizing my phone from my bag to my hand to my ear to schedule the follow up dentist appointment. Then I’d keep working my way down the list.
I had already been a jerk to my spouse once. If I went down that path I knew what would happen because of the countless times I’ve run that particular experiment.
Yes, I’d get more done. But I’d reach the end of the day exhausted, resentful, and firmly entrenched in victimhood as if it was his fault and the world’s fault, that I hadn’t prioritized my peace.
So before I could think too hard about it, I put on a playlist and took myself on a breathwork journey.
I won’t tell you what happened in the journey itself, because what happens in breathwork stays in breathwork.
Actually that’s not true, just know there was a lot of breathing, screaming, laughing, crying, dancing, and finally… Stillness.
So back to the comic, how do we fall in love with stillness?
Well, first by committing to find a way. Honestly, that’s the hardest part. And it’s super hard!
But once we’ve proven to ourselves that we won’t get to peace through more war, then there are so many options.
Breathwork is one of my favorites. But so is jumping in a river. But dancing (to this song especially), singing, napping, and showering. Hugging a human, petting a dog (or even a rock) are all good options too!
Out of the mind, into the body.
Out of the mind, into the body.
Because I write about these things, you may have the mistaken impression that I make the “healthy” choice most of the time
No way, dude.
I write about these things because learning to make the healthy choice is my personal Dawn Wall. (If you don’t know what that means, watch the movie Dawn Wall, it’s amazing.)
I am often at my own edge of learning. I often make choices that don’t serve me. But I keep paying attention. I keep doing my best, and I keep writing about it because it feels so much better knowing we’re all in it together…It’s not just me, right?
With love,
Leah
If you want to go out of your mind with me and experience your own version of the “breathing, screaming, laughing, crying, dancing, and finally… stillness.”
Join me for one of an upcoming Breathwork Journey, facilitated by yours truly.
- [Virtual] Thursday, October 16, 7:00-8:15pm ET
- [In-Person] Friday, October 24, 6:30-8:30pm ET (Vermont)
- [Virtual] Saturday, November 15, 1:00-2:15pm ET
- [Virtual] Wednesday, December 17, 7:00-8:15pm ET
Learn more at https://leahpearlman.com/breathwork/.
Get your ticket at https://www.tickettailor.com/events/welcomingway