There are Lines at the Airport!
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Two married friends of mine recently told me that when they traveled as a family, their fourteen-year-old, Ella, got anxious about getting to the airport on time.
As an adult, I could relate. On the way to catch flights I’ve been stuck in traffic, waited too long for shuttles, faced unexpected security lines, and missed those flights. But why, I wondered, would a teen be anxious about airport timing? So I asked.
They told me this wonderful story:
One day, when Ella was only about two, her parents were trying to get her to hurry up. They had a flight to catch and Ella was taking her sweet time.
One of the adults explained to Ella that they needed to leave because “There are lines at the airport.”
This seemed to work and soon after, they were on their way. After parking their car in an airport lot, they noticed Ella holding back. I picture them holding her hand, gently encouraging her to come along, but she hesitated.
She went, but the closer they got the more cautious Ella became. They noticed her eyes darting every which way, clearly in search of something.
As they approached the building she slowed to a stop, now clearly frightened.
Her parents bent down (I imagine) and looked their daughter in the eye. “What’s the matter, sweetheart?”
Trembling, the two-year-old exclaimed “You said there are lions at the airport!”
Her parents know that this event may or may not be the reason that Ella gets so anxious before a flight. It’s at least as likely she’s learned to be anxious by watching any stress her parents have had, or she’s genuinely concerned about missing her flight. But the fact that lions could be the unconscious reason illustrates a pretty common human phenomenon.
Sometimes, as adults, we find ourselves pretty wound up about things that seem like no big deal. And yet, our nervous systems tell a different story.
When little Ella believed there were lions at the airport, she was actually fearing for her life the entire time she was buckled up in the backseat en route to her flight.
That kind of thing can leave an imprint. “Airport. Threat. Must leave early.”
The next time she hears “it’s time to go to the airport,” she may have an anxiety response long before her conscious mind can remind her of the misunderstanding.
Not to mention that in this story, it was only a misunderstanding, one that got cleared up. But so often the misunderstanding isn’t caught, or the threat isn’t imagined.
Let’s say Ella’s parents never asked her why she was scared, and instead rushed her along to catch that flight. It might be years before she stopped looking for the alleged “lions.”
Or, let’s say she had heard correctly: “There are lines at the airport.” And on that particular day the lines were so long they missed their flight. Ella’s parents might have had strong reactions to that, which Ella would have witnessed. Then she might also develop anxiety about the imperative of getting to airports on time.
Ella was so young it’s unlikely she remembers this story for herself, other than having heard it many times, but her body and subconscious mind can remember.
I suspect all of us have countless stories like these, buried in our past. These events may be remembered or forgotten, misunderstood or misinterpreted. They may have been real traumas or imagined ones, they may have been our own experiences or stories we heard about others. No matter the original source these emotional memories live on in us.
As adults, seemingly small or inconsequential things can happen that we judge ourselves for “overreacting” to them. But it’s my belief we are not overreacting. We are reacting appropriately to what our subconscious mind imagines is happening.
I get excited when a coaching client tells me “this small thing happened, I don’t know why I’m having such a big reaction.” Or “we don’t need to spend time on this, but this little thing keeps bothering me.” What I hear is that life has presented a relatively handle-able situation in order to explore a deep and painful emotional wound.
So when someone makes a casual comment that bothers me, when I’m disappointed over losing something, when I interpret someone looking at me in a critical way, or when someone forgets to do something they promised, I do my best not to judge my reaction as “too dramatic” or “unwarranted.” I do my best not to override it, dismiss it, or talk myself out of it.
If I’m scared, I let myself be scared, even if I know I’m safe. If I’m angry, I let myself be angry, even if I know they didn’t mean to hurt me. If I’m sad, I let myself be sad, even if I know things are going to be ok.
I try to be curious about the feeling. I validate it. I feel it more. I understand I may never remember the source of the wound, but I trust that it has a source. I trust that at some point this was probably an appropriate emotional reaction to whatever I believed was happening and this feeling deserves to be felt.
Finally, and importantly, this is often hard to do.
Ella’s story is kind of funny, but the fear she experienced is not funny. In her little two-year-old body, that feeling is life-and-death. Today, when she’s anxious about going to the airport, that’s not something to be brushed aside or ignored. That’s a big feeling about potentially being mauled by a lion underneath a measure of adult self-control while packing one’s suitcase.
These are wounds, and wounds hurt to touch. When I’m feeling really strong, I can meet wounds on my own, but it always requires courage, and patience. When I’m feeling shaky, I often avoid facing the feeling for long periods of time, and then eventually ask someone for help.
I hope there is enough here to grant you any permission you may need to feel big feelings and heal old wounds. If you would like any additional support, there are many resources out there. At the Welcoming Way, we’re always looking for ways to help others find the kind of freedom and healing that Welcoming has brought to our lives, so you may also want to check out some of our resources:
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The Library of Explorations makes it convenient for you to find a meditation or teaching that speaks to whatever feeling you are experiencing. There are several about fear and anxiety
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Join the Free Community Call each month to receive or witness facilitation around an issue.
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Attend the Alignment from the Inside Out Women’s Retreat to experience welcoming alongside incredible people in a beautiful environment.
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See if Private Coaching is a good fit for you.