I Dare You
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Last week, former colleagues of mine from Microsoft asked me to come give a talk to their team. It was actually a Q&A in which the moderator asked me about my journey into tech and then out of tech into mindfulness.
Near the end of the session, a woman asked me if I thought it was possible to cultivate internal peace while working in tech, or if I thought it was necessary to leave one’s job.
I was surprised by the forcefulness of my answer.
“I dare you,” I said, “not to leave.” I can’t remember if I added “unless you’re sure you want to.” I hope I said that too.
I went on to say that it made sense that I left my job to pursue the workings of the innerworld; not because I believe it is required, but because it is my passion.
I love reading about this stuff. I love practicing. Most days, multiple times a day, I listen to talks or books about spirituality, inner growth and healing, peace, or freedom. My notebooks are filled with attempts to integrate what I’m learning.
For those of you who’ve been with me for a while you know it’s pretty much all I write about.
Innerwork is my great love!
So while I left my last tech job for this love, I do not believe it’s required. In fact, some of the clearest, happiest, most self-aware people I know have very busy jobs or even run companies.
So why did I dare this woman not to leave her job? Because this is the dare I give myself every single day.
“I dare you,” I say to myself, “not to change a single thing in the external world, to try to be happier. Don’t change your house. Don’t change your guy. Don’t change your work. Don’t change how you spend your time. Keep letting life be as it is, and work at the reaction level.”
Work on compulsion and resistance.
Work on insecurity and fear.
Work on envy and humiliation.
Work on striving and exhaustion.
Work on shoulds and can’ts.
Work on the belief that you need to work on anything at all.
Why do I do this? For three main reasons.
First, I’ve proven to myself repeatedly that if I don’t investigate and heal my reactions to life, I will recreate similar situations over and over and over. Staying with what I’ve got is much more efficient than blowing everything up, starting the cycle anew, and having to work on whatever it is later.
Second, I used to believe that I could go on retreat, figure everything out, come home, and my life would be that much better. And it worked! Every time! For a little while…
But I began to notice that the biggest “issues” in my life happen in my life, not on retreat. So regular life, as it is, turns out to be a perfect context to work on my stuff. I have my partner Vince to thank for helping me see this.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a huge fan of retreats. I attend them. I lead them. I think they create a wonderful container to learn and practice new internal skills. They can create space and support to deep dive into scary territory that can easily get avoided at home. And, there is also plenty of innerwork to be done from the comfort of my own home.
Third, when I want to be happy, or feel peaceful, or understand the truth, I want to experience that now.
Not later. NOW.
Therefore I must attend to whatever is happening now. Planning to quit my job next June or attend a meditation retreat in January has nothing to do with now.
In fact, postponing innerwork is an ever-so-sneaky dodge. It’s basically saying “Now is too uncomfortable, but later I can deal with this.” But now is all there ever is, so if I can’t work on something now, I can’t work on it. If I’m always putting the solution in the future, it’s never where I actually need it. Which is now. Always.
This doesn’t mean solutions are always available now, at least not in my experience. But if I don’t at least try — I mean really try to live as honestly and peacefully and open-hearted as I can now — then I will always be chasing.
So this is why I dare myself to leave my circumstances as they are.
I don’t always win the dare. Sometimes my resistance or my attachment or my discomfort is too strong and I compulsively try to fix my life. But I don’t worry too much about that anymore, because my intention is set, and I am always, by definition, doing my best.
Second-to-last-thing. If we don’t try to fix our lives, does anything ever change?
YES. And often.
As you may recall, I recently moved to Vermont from Colorado. I took up pickleball. I started podcasting. I made my first apple pie. I’ve been shifting from coaching to more teaching and speaking. I’ve been making friendship bracelets and learning to sing. I’m hooked on breathwork.
But I didn’t demand any of this, or force it. This is just what happens with the dissolving of the internal knots that might keep me from following interest and inspiration.
Ok, last-last-thing. There is no should here. Forcing yourself to stay in a situation that isn’t working isn’t it either.
My hope is that this message is received as an invitation or permission not to change something in your life if you’re not sure you want to or you don’t think you can.
Sometimes we can equate staying with stuckness, but I hope this offers a reframe that the ability to stay with something, can sometimes be the most courageous, transformative act.
With Love,
Leah