Your Thoughts Are Not Your Fault

Recently, Sue Heilbronner and I recorded a podcast episode in which our stunningly open and honest guest, Fernanda Bertrand, shared how hard she can be on herself for her own judgmental thoughts.

Two things struck me, deeply, about this conversation.

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First, how severely some of us judge ourselves for something we aren’t even actually doing.

When you have a critical thought about someone, did you actually mean to have that thought? Did you sit down and craft the thought word by word? Or did it just appear in your mind?

Are you actually the generator of your thoughts? Or the receiver of them? If you’re interested in exploring more, I recorded a deep dive on this topic here.

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Second, I was struck by how some of us use evidence of our goodness to conclude that we are bad. 

Let me explain.

Just yesterday, I had the thought that someone was being “pushy.”

Later, I acknowledged this same person had been trying to be helpful, and I felt remorse for judging them.

The fact that I felt remorse is actually evidence of kindness.

But rather than focus on the kindness, I had thoughts calling me “arrogant” and “insensitive” for having had the original judgmental thought, even though…

… I NEVER MEANT TO HAVE THE JUDGMENTAL THOUGHT in the first place. It just happened.

Judging myself for being judgmental makes a kind of sense. I can believe that if I’m hard enough on myself, I will change my behavior.

But in my world, that rarely works. It usually only makes me feel small and ashamed, and therefore, insecure and less empowered.

From this small, weak, ashamed place, it’s easy to sort of , “accidentally” tear other people down, just to feel a little better about myself. That’s not motivated by being mean, that’s actually an attempt at self-care!

And the cycle continues.

So how do we break the cycle? Very simply (though perhaps not easily): We stop judging ourselves for our thoughts.

How? By beginning to notice that our thoughts are not our fault.

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If this topic interests you, consider listening to the full conversation with Sue and Fernanda here, and the follow-up deep dive here. 

Finally, I just want to send a special shout out and thank you to Fernanda for bravely bringing this relevant and useful conversation to light. And if YOU (dear reader) would also like a free coaching session from Sue and I on the Hey Sue podcast, consider reaching out.